just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
