you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
