there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
