smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize