My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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