youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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