fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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