He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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