I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
