someone threw a dead crab at me
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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