He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You need a sexual gate keeper
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
