i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize