Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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