My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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