just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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