Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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