He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
