My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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