i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
