you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
