Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
His nipple licking is glorious
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