We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
