guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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