your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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