I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
