i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Found your dick twin last night
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
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