Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
