I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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