i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
