I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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