i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We need to get me chipped asap
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
