Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
