I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
