Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
