When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
