My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
