i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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