The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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