Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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