you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
