ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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