Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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