Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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