Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
