I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
