She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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