then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I love you. Go after that dick
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
