i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize