guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm like, not good at living.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
