the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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