So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
