My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
