I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
