well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
