There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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