Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
